Milestone for Cyndi

I don't think I blog a lot about Leila, how much I miss her, how I think about her every day and wonder what it would be like if she were here with us. The other day Chloe and I were playing in the mirror - waving to ourselves and having fun. Suddenly she was right against the mirror and looked away from it at just the right angle. I suddenly saw Chloe and Leila playing together side-by-side. I cried, of course, like I do sometimes.

Mid-December to January was a particularly difficult time for me. I was severely, yet functionally, depressed. Bedtime was miserable and I spent hours upon hours laying there crying - re-living my pregnancy. I analyzed everything I ate, said, thought, and did; trying to determine what I did wrong and beating myself up for any perceived mistakes. I'd torture myself remembering the surgeries, the "I'm sorry" moment, my water breaking, the birth. And then I topped it all off with a thick slathering of guilt at being such an ugly unappreciative person. Why couldn't I just be happy and thankful for what I do have? I dreaded rocking Chloe to sleep, going to bed, and waking up. Those were the worst times for me when the bad thoughts invaded my head without so much as a knock at the door. I cried all day and through the night but managed to do it in secret so nobody knew. I didn't want to blog about my misery so I didn't blog at all. After the second morning of staying in bed way too long I called a friend who also lost a twin. She said all the right things within the first five minutes and then we talked for another two hours just for fun. Her name is Megan and she was my hero that day. Anyway, I've been feeling much better since then and still plan to talk to a grief counselor but not until I feel bad again.

Whew! I'm glad to finally clear the air about December. Somehow I feel like I've been lying all this time since I never addressed it.

Now to the main reason for today's entry. Solana attended a birthday party today. It was a swim party and I sat on the bleachers with two other moms. I quickly learned that both of them have twins. They asked if Solana was my only child and I said that I also have an 18 month-old. Then I felt a little upset that I couldn't join in as another twin mom. "It's not fair that I have to keep Chloe's twin-ness and Leila a secret in order to not be a 'downer'," I thought. Then I said to myself, "what the heck!" I straightened my back and at the next appropriate opportunity, "Actually, Chloe's an identical, too." I quickly told how the girls had TTTS, we had surgery, lost Leila, 11 days later Chloe was born at 24 weeks, and spent 5 months in the NICU. "She's AMAZING," I said, "She may have chronic lung disease, brittle bones, vision problems, and developmental delays, but she's a firecracker and will probably be my tomboy!" It wasn't weird. I wasn't a downer. I did not compel them to say, "I'm sorry for your loss." It was natural and honest and it felt good! One of the moms went on to say how uncomfortable her pregnancy was because her twins were born at 40 weeks and over 7lbs each. Nothing. I recognized her insensitivity but it didn't bother me and I didn't judge her for it. I actually thought, "Yeah, that probably was pretty uncomfortable." The other mom said she'd love to meet Chloe because she sounds like 'somethin' else'. That made me happy.

I don't know what came over me or how I was able to feel so footloose and fancy free today. I came home and told Dave right away about my experience. I was kind of emotional as I told him. My voice quivered and my eyes welled but it was more because I felt proud of myself. I know I'm not "over" the loss of Leila. I never will be. I'm not even "over" the difficulty of seeing or hearing about twins. It's like peaks and valleys, I think. Today was a peak - maybe the highest one I've experienced. I'm happy for myself and hope this feeling lasts...at least for a while.