Thursday, August 11, 2011

Thinking of Leila

Today is the 2nd anniversary of Leila's angel day. I try to think of it as a good day for her - the day she got the privilege of donning her wings and joining the angels in heaven. We'll do a little something for her this afternoon.

The reality, though, is that this is the 2nd anniversary of a really really really sad day and sad time for us. It starts in April every year. I start thinking about what we were doing two years ago. On april 8th we found out I was pregnant. A few weeks later we found out we were having twins. On July 7th we found out we were having girls and that they had TTTS. I hid my pregnancy planner from myself last year - couldn't bear to read my notes and know the exact dates of the laser surgery and Leila's blood transfusion. I was sort of a mess. I secretly cried ALL THE TIME.

This year has been different. The sadness is still there but definitely dulled. Dave asked me a few times "What's up? Why are you so quiet?" Then a friend asked me if she'd done something wrong because I was being so quiet. I honestly didn't know what my problem was. In retrospect I think it was just the summertime blues kicking in for me and I hadn't recognized it. We were diagnosed with TTTS on July 7th. So between July 7th and August 11th my mind sometimes flutters back to what was happening two years earlier. Was this the day we drove to Columbus to have laser surgery? Or was this the day we had one of those marathon hour-long ultrasounds?

I went with a friend to see Harry Potter a few days ago and literally cried the entire movie. I often cry at movies. Any time there's suspense and the characters feel stress...I cry. It's silly, I know. But this movie really got me. Dave saw the movie right after me and, when he came home, mentioned that he understood my crying toward the end but didn't really know why I cried at the beginning. To this I responded by sobbing and then felt stupid. Still crying and acting somewhat like a lunatic I left him to wonder what in the world was happening and ran to the back room to dig out my old pregnancy planner for the first time in a year and a half. It wasn't until then that I knew for sure - that was the day Leila had her blood transfusion. Just a few days before she died.

For the most part I've been fine. It even occurred to me once or twice that perhaps I should be a bit sadder. I haven't cried all that much this year. Of course we don't need to mope around like zombies all the time missing Leila to prove that we love her...but that little Mommy guilt slips in every once in a while. Maybe I should write about her about her more...think about her more. No. It's fine. She knows.

I have a very busy day planned and am anxious to see how it goes...


Anonymous said...

She does know, and you make her proud! Much love to you.

The Hillbergs said...

I wish I could give you a big hug because I really think that things feel better after a hug. The big, squeezy kind, where you can keep crying into the other person's shoulder and they don't mind and they don't even mind when you wipe your eyes and your nose on their shirt right before you let go. That's the kind of hug I'd give you. And Leila knows how much you love her - you have Mommy-love for her which is stronger and deeper than anything could ever possibly be. The way you show Leila how much you love her is give all the hugs and kisses that she would have gotten on Earth to S and C (and a few to D too!) -- the extra loving your family gets will always keep Leila right on top in your hearts.

Megan B ♥ said...

I love you, Cyndi. I can relate so well to what you wrote. Everything about my second anniversary was so close to what you describe. So convoluted in all the same ways. Oddly quiet, unexpectedly morose. Feeling guilty that I maybe wasn't sad enough. Cry at the drop of a hat for no reason... just know that you are loved. I would like to say that you are "normal", but I have this sneaking suspicion that I am not a good gauge of such things :)

Holbergs said...

What?!!! I found that planner while I was visiting and hid it. Where did you find it?!!!!

I guess I'm not as sneaky as I thought I was. sorry.